Feeling ON is so much better than Feeling OFF!

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Here's a list I wrote several years ago.  It describes what feeling off is like and what feeling on is like.  I'm sure this could apply to a myriad of other mental illnesses, like ADHD, generalized anxiety, etc.


FEELING OFF (not well)
Paranoid Thinking
Difficulty in Making Fast Decisions
Inability to Detect Subtleties (jokes, nuances, sarcasm etc)
Increase in number of errors (when working)
Anxiety - flushing, sweating, nervousness
Impatience
Frustration
Sensory Overload - Flourescent lights bothersome
Weird Feeling
Dazed Feeling
Out-of-it Feeling

FEELING ON
Clear-Minded
Good Memory
Efficient
Good Decision Making
Sure of Myself
Fast Thinking (at a normal pace for me, though)

I think at the time when I wrote this, I wasn't taking any medicine.  I was going through a period of "See, I don't need medicine!"  I was med free and proud of it.  Now I am medicated and happy about it. Times change.  I can tell you that I now spend way less time feeling off.

I know that the feeling off list doesn't exactly read like a list of Bipolar Disorder symptoms.  I think that's because I was having anxiety too.  Also, the in-the-moment sensory experience of being in a hypomanic or depressed mood doesn't exactly read like a list out of the DSM manual.  There's a difference between the internal experience and the external view of what's going on.  

Lithium Flatness and Dosage

In a previous blog post, I hypothesized that taking too much lithium is the cause for the flatness that some people experience.

After reading a lot more, I have to correct myself.  Apparently lithium just makes some people feel flat. Period.  It doesn't happen to me.  But it does happen to some people.  It's a side effect that you might or might not have. And it probably has more to do with individual differences than dosage.

I'm sorry if lithium makes you feel flat. I hope that you will find a medicine that does work perfectly - removing the mania and depression but allowing for life's normal ups and downs.  That's how it should be.

New Blog about Supplements

I'm not leaving this blog.  I intend to continue posting here about Bipolar Disorder.  This includes posts about supplements for bipolar disorder.  But topics like supplements for toe fungus will be carefully crafted on my new Soup and Supplements blog.  I know some people write about everything on one blog, but after careful thought, I've decided that I want to have two blogs. Maybe even three, or four...  :)

This way if you are only interested in bipolar disorder, you won't have to read my other ramblings!

Bipolar Disorder and PMS

Sometimes my bipolar symptoms get worse before my period.  That's what happened this month, except I forgot to keep track of when my period was going to arrive and didn't know what was going wrong. Actually, I think my menstrual cycle was short this month. In any case, I felt like my moods were NOT stable, and was even beginning to doubt whether my lithium was working.  I was starting to wonder if I was going crazy. This instability lasted a couple of days... and then I got my period and I felt all calm. The menstrual cycle is a puzzling thing.

So it's an important thing to take into account, if you are female. If I had gone to my doctor during these moody days, I might have asked for an increase or change in my medication.  I'm sure a doctor would have thought that the lithium orotate was no longer working for me... But instead it was just mad PMS causing breakthrough symptoms.  I guess if I don't want those breakthrough symptoms, then getting a prescription to treat them would be fine, but sometimes it's easier to just let things be.  I did self medicate during then, a little of this and a little of that, and I didn't go crazy!  I'm just glad that my normal self came back.

Early Symptoms of Depression and Mania Mood Episodes

This is a table from a study entitled "Prodromal symptoms in manic depressive psychosis" by Smith & Tarrier, 1992. (Abstract)

A prodrome is an early symptom that a disease or attack is about to occur - in this case, an early symptom of a mood episode.

I saved this table because I sure can relate to it!  Note how some of the symptoms are physical - like feeling tired - while others are changes in thought patterns - like feeling guilty or spending money more freely.  The fact that some symptoms represent themselves as thoughts makes it really hard! 

I think this table gave me a lot of insight.   For more insight, check out "Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder" by Julie Fast. Although this book is for a family member to read, it is really worth reading if you have bipolar disorder yourself.  She talks about the thought patterns that are symptoms as well.  Plus she has lots of ideas for possible triggers.

The Bipolar Hurdle

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Bipolar Disorder is really lousy sometimes. The symptoms flare up when there's something new to deal with. And it doesn't even have to be a big new thing - like a new school, a new job, or a new relationship.  No, the bipolar symptoms can flare up from little things that cause stress. Like shopping at a new store, trying to do something new at work, trying to think different, trying to challenge myself, etc. 

Anything that's out of the ordinary can cause my symptoms to flare up. And how am I supposed to get ahead that way? Sure I can stay where I am doing the same old stuff, but what if I want to make a big leap?  A big leap requires change, which causes stress. Stress causes more symptoms.

Self-help advice for people without Bipolar Disorder doesn't always work for people with Bipolar Disorder.  I think we have to move in smaller steps, be more forgiving, and put value on being symptom free.

Verbalizing Emotions

As a child, my family never talked about our emotions. Yes, there were arguments, tantrums, crying, etc, but rarely a simple conversation. How do you feel? Are you alright?

When I was feeling so terribly anxious that I couldn't eat much, I just retreated to my room.  I wasn't hungry, and that was as much as was said.

Maybe my parents felt it was better to present the appearance of a perfect family than face the reality of problems.  Seeing a shrink was often presented as a threat - you better shape up or you'll have to see one.

Since I didn't have the practice of describing my emotions, I wasn't experienced in recognizing anxiety, sadness, etc.  I think learning how to describe a mood is something that gets better with practice.  Looking back, I can label times when I felt anxious or depressed or manic, but at the time I was just in the moment. Acting on my emotions, but not taking the time to think about them.