Friday, March 30, 2012

A Very Little Person at the Hospital

Recently, I accompanied my mother in law to the hospital for some tests, and we were greeted but a very short person in a wheelchair.  She was about three feet long.  She was right outside the elevator, and at first I didn't realized that she was a hospital volunteer. I thought she was just a cheerful person. Then I saw her name tag which said volunteer.  She told us that she was drinking coffee and working.

I really didn't know what to say to her, but she really made my day.  She didn't say much to us other than hello but she had this super sweet smile..... I thought about how God put all kinds of people on this earth and everyone has a purpose.  I think she found hers.

I wish I knew what to say, because it was very special to me.  I was having a down day and it was just what I needed at that moment, and I bet she makes many people smile.  I'm curious as to what disorder she has and what her life is like.  She was an adult, with a big head, and glasses, I think.  But my memory is kind of fuzzy.  If you do know what disorder she might have, let me know.   When I google short person I don't get the right kind of results.  She probably has some disorder having to do with bone growth.

If I won the lottery....

I would still have depressed days.

I tell my mother-in-law that my moods don't correspond with reality.  It is something I think she finds hard to understand, but I think it's an important thing to stress.  I'm not depressed because I'm having a bad day.  For example, on one of my recent depressed days, I found out that her cat scan came back normal - no cats tumors found.  Yay!  I should have been elated with that news. And although I was relieved, it didn't make my mood happy... I was actually down... Whereas the day before, when we were waiting for results, my mood was fairly normal.  Other people were stressed, but me, no, I was doing just fine.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Extremely Short Depressive Episodes

Recently I've been having depression that lasts for about 2 days at a time.  The depressions suck, but they do go away fast.  But I want you to know, that even though the depression goes away, while it's here, it's brutal difficult.  My brain thinks the wrong thoughts.  I spend all of my time coping.  I try to think positive thoughts. I try to stay distracted.  I try to motivate myself to do things.  I eat food and it just doesn't taste great. I don't have much appetite.  Sometimes I am anxious. Sometimes I cry a lot for no reason.

It's hard to treat a depression that is so short, because while I can take something for it, the depression goes away and I don't know if it's the medicine or whether it's going away all on its own.  Today I took aniracetam and inositol and choline.  Yesterday I took phenibut.  My husband suggested Vitamin D and B12. Maybe next time I'll try that.

I recently bought some Chlortab allergy pills (Chlorpheniramine), which I used to take for anxiety.  And it still does work for anxiety.  Probably the cheapest non-prescription anxiety pill ever.  The side effect for me is sleepiness, though.  But why I mention that is I recently found this article that states it was the root molecule for an old SSRI.  So I could even try taking that on a regular basis.

And I have St John's Wort, Tryptophan, and SAM-E in my cupboard too, so I'm well stocked.  But as I said, my depression goes away in a couple of days, so I usually don't continue the anti-depressant.  But if I want to kick these 2-day depressions maybe I should find a pill that I can take on a continual basis to prevent them.  But it's tricky to find a pill that will do that and that won't accelerate mania or cause any other unwanted side effects.

So for now I chart my 2 day depressions on my calendar, and I try to keep my spirits high.  Depression is a great muse for writing though.  And when the high hits after the depression, I appreciate it even more.  But I don't like that I'm not productive at all for those 2 days...... I don't get much work done.  But life is about more than just work, and I do think God gave me this disorder for a reason.  It does give me a lot of insight and compassion.  I care about others....