There's always going to be something to worry about.

On my good days, I just don't worry about it.  Who me, worry?  Nah, I don't worry.

On my bad days, I can get really worked up worrying.

Then one worry gets resolved, and there's another one lined up waiting to take its place.

If I won the lottery....

I would still have depressed days.

I tell my mother-in-law that my moods don't correspond with reality.  It is something I think she finds hard to understand, but I think it's an important thing to stress.  I'm not depressed because I'm having a bad day.  For example, on one of my recent depressed days, I found out that her cat scan came back normal - no cats tumors found.  Yay!  I should have been elated with that news. And although I was relieved, it didn't make my mood happy... I was actually down... Whereas the day before, when we were waiting for results, my mood was fairly normal.  Other people were stressed, but me, no, I was doing just fine.

Extremely Short Depressive Episodes

Recently I've been having depression that lasts for about 2 days at a time.  The depressions suck, but they do go away fast.  But I want you to know, that even though the depression goes away, while it's here, it's brutal difficult.  My brain thinks the wrong thoughts.  I spend all of my time coping.  I try to think positive thoughts. I try to stay distracted.  I try to motivate myself to do things.  I eat food and it just doesn't taste great. I don't have much appetite.  Sometimes I am anxious. Sometimes I cry a lot for no reason.

It's hard to treat a depression that is so short, because while I can take something for it, the depression goes away and I don't know if it's the medicine or whether it's going away all on its own.  Today I took aniracetam and inositol and choline.  Yesterday I took phenibut.  My husband suggested Vitamin D and B12. Maybe next time I'll try that.

I recently bought some Chlortab allergy pills (Chlorpheniramine), which I used to take for anxiety.  And it still does work for anxiety.  Probably the cheapest non-prescription anxiety pill ever.  The side effect for me is sleepiness, though.  But why I mention that is I recently found this article that states it was the root molecule for an old SSRI.  So I could even try taking that on a regular basis.

And I have St John's Wort, Tryptophan, and SAM-E in my cupboard too, so I'm well stocked.  But as I said, my depression goes away in a couple of days, so I usually don't continue the anti-depressant.  But if I want to kick these 2-day depressions maybe I should find a pill that I can take on a continual basis to prevent them.  But it's tricky to find a pill that will do that and that won't accelerate mania or cause any other unwanted side effects.

So for now I chart my 2 day depressions on my calendar, and I try to keep my spirits high.  Depression is a great muse for writing though.  And when the high hits after the depression, I appreciate it even more.  But I don't like that I'm not productive at all for those 2 days...... I don't get much work done.  But life is about more than just work, and I do think God gave me this disorder for a reason.  It does give me a lot of insight and compassion.  I care about others....

Do it Yourself Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Cognitive behavioral therapy is about changing how you think.  I've been trying to work on my thought patterns for quite some time, and recently I found a website that has lots of suggestions. 

The website is about Dialectical behavior therapy, which is a type of cognitive behavioral therapy that was designed for people with Borderline Personality Disorder.

The great thing is that it works for people with mood disorders too. 

If you're interested in how to mentally cope with the mood swings of Bipolar Disorder, you might benefit from these DBT Lessons.  The section on distress tolerance has great suggestions for how to make yourself feel better.  Some of the suggestions are things I've already been doing, and some are new to me. 

The section on Emotion Regulation is also helpful for anyone who experiences the extreme emotions of Bipolar Disorder.

Lots of helpful reading.

Tips on Goal Setting for People with Bipolar Disorder

I read somewhere that we often overestimate what we can accomplish in one day, but underestimate what we can accomplish in a year. With that thought in mind, I started setting monthly goals for myself.

I used to set daily goals, but my lists were always too long. The goals looked achievable, but I just couldn't get them all done in a day. Sometimes I'd try to push myself to do every one of them on the list, but I'd often end up in bad mood... frustrated, anxious, disappointed in myself, etc.

Setting and achieving goals can be difficult, and Bipolar Disorder adds a few twists to the process. The unpredictability of the disorder makes it hard to judge how many normal days you'll have. Furthermore, while the many ideas we have during hypomania or mania can be productive, there can also be some ideas that throw us off course. The trick is to figure out what's important to do, and what's distraction.

Benefits of Monthly Goal Setting

- Completion of Projects. I come up with a lot of ideas, especially when I'm feeling "up." Monthly goal setting means that ideas for new projects have to be put off until the next month, or until the current month's goals have been completed. This encourages completion of current projects before starting new things, which means less unfinished projects. It also means time to think before jumping into a new project. This time for thinking can be used to make better decisions.

- Looking at the big picture. One day is a very small time. The success of a long term project or goal shouldn't be judged on one day. When choosing monthly goals, I reflect on the whole previous month, rather than just one day. Everyone has bad days, and it's best not to put too much weight on them.

How to Set Achievable Monthly Goals

- Set goals that you have complete control over. If you're unemployed, the goal "get a job" isn't a good one. However, a goal of sending out a certain number of resumes, practicing interview techniques, etc, is something you have control over. Likewise, if you're in sales, you can't guarantee a certain dollar amount in sales, but you can write down specific actions that you can take that will make it likely that you will increase your sales.

- Break a big project into small parts. Your goals should be to achieve these small parts of a project. If you're writing a book, a goal could be “Write Chapter 1.”

- Strive for consistency. Look at what you achieved the previous month, and make goals that are equal to or a little big greater. Consistency is a hard thing to achieve, and a goal that keeps your output consistent is a goal that will give you great long term rewards. People often give up too early.

- It is better to underestimate what you can achieve than to overestimate. If you get your monthly goals done early, then you can start on new goals early. Next time you will have a better idea of what can be achieved.

- No task is too small to be a goal. You can set goals for activities that will likely turn into a habit. Your goal could be to brush your teeth two times a day, every day. If you do this all month long, it's unlikely that you will stop doing this once the month ends. You will have developed a habit.

Depression and Monthly Goals

Depression can make you want to give up. It can also make negative events stand out in your mind, and you may have trouble remembering the positive things. When you think about “what point is there to all of this” it's hard to have the willpower to complete a goal.

If you write your goals when you are feeling hopeful, positive, and optimistic, then when you are depressed, you can remember that these goals were written by the positive you, and you can try to talk yourself into working on the goals because that happy you will come back, and you don't want to let her (or him) down.

Sometimes depression makes it hard to do anything, and if that's the case, you can relax and know that you truly do have the whole month to accomplish the goals, so taking off a day won't ruin everything. Sometimes the depression has to be treated first, and you should take steps to treat it. Treating the depression can be a goal in of itself. The goal should be specific though, like: Talk to doctor, find therapist, read a book on depression, etc.

Depression Distorts Life

I know I am feeling better when I find myself enjoying life, rather than wondering what life's purpose is.

I find myself interested in history, world news, writing, working, cooking, and find life to be marvelous!

I started feeling better after walking yesterday.

Yesterday I was so unsure of life's purpose, I googled life purpose and depression. I didn't find anything remarkable on the topic, but let me tell you - my thoughts were directed by my depression.

Depression distorts thoughts.....  Only goes to show you that how we see the world has everything to do with what's going on inside of us.

Trying to Stay Up

It is interesting to note that I don't feel very driven to write in this blog when I feel normal.  There's just nothing to report. I'm taking my medicine and everything is going fine.

At the same time, it's hard to motivate myself to write when I'm depressed. But at least then I have something to write about.

I've been kind of depressed for the last couple of days. Not all of the time depressed, but more blue than not.  I have to work on feeling happy, you know?

So how does one work on feeling happy?  I try to say positive things to myself, sometimes write in my journal, sometimes get out of the house, take a walk, take a drive, etc.  I try to do things I enjoy and listen to upbeat music. And those things all help. 

However, I also experiment with (legal) drugs.  I try to do something to change my brain chemistry.  To get myself up.  Drink a little extra caffeinated tea.  Take a methyl-B12.  Take some choline & inositol.  Take some aniracetam.

And those things do help.  Sometimes each drug/medicine gives me a few hours of feeling normal.  Focused.  Or just less down.  At some point I'll break out of this mood and hopefully go soaring - but just not too high.

I don't usually like to take too much of any one thing, because my goal isn't to feel strange, but rather normal.  I don't want to be manic.  I am particularly sensitive to caffeine, so I'm careful not to overdo that.  The last thing I want is to feel depressed and irritable.  I think that's called a dysphoric mood.


Now I'm going to go walk to try to get that natural high I so need.

Depression tries to make you believe lies.

But don't listen to it. Don't quit a job while depressed. Don't end a relationship while depressed. And don't hurt yourself while depressed.

Wait and see how you feel once the depression passes.  Most of the time, I feel just wonderful about the things I felt bad about before.

Depression lies to you.  Don't you believe it.

Minor Depression and laughing as a cure

There are just some days when I have breakthrough mood episodes.

Here's a recent account of one of them.

I woke up, and rather than jumping out of bed and being my enthusiastic self, I wanted to go back to sleep.  But I couldn't. So I got up.

My thinking was wrong.  Not really bad, but minorly so.  Worrying and thinking negative thoughts instead of thinking positive thoughts.  Thinking thoughts that aren't rational and are really just kind of strange.

Waiting for the day to pass. Waiting to start feeling good again. Waiting until I can actually enjoy life again.

I only did some of what I usually do.  I didn't do the dishes; instead, I let them pile up in the kitchen.  I didn't cook any meals; instead, I heated up simple things in the microwave and ate out at a fast food place for dinner.

I didn't follow up on some work that I need to do.

I allowed myself to not do stuff.  This is an important one. When you're sick, you don't do everything you would normally do, right? Well this is how I treat mental sickness as well.

I did do a few things to try to help my mood get better.  I took a walk even though I wasn't sure if I really wanted to.  I visited my mother-in-law, and her compaionship made me feel good. I didn't tell her about my moods, but I kept myself busy talking to her about what she was interested in, and focusing on her rather than me, helped.

I did take a magnesium, which sometimes helps, but its effect today was minor.

What probably helped the most today, actually, was laughing.  I watched a show on TV called "The Middle" and this episode was particularly funny, and I just laughed and laughed. After that, I actually felt normal for several hours.

Talking to my husband also helped a lot. We tried to figure out why I was feeling this way.  He had some possible ideas, but I really felt like it was just a chemical imbalance.  I haven't been feeling stressed, and nothing really seems different than normal, except for my mood.

I accept the breakthrough episodes because they are usually short and manageable.  The solutions that might prevent them might just cause other problems.  Someday I might decide that I need to do something to better control my moods - and I'm open to that possibility - but for now, for a couple of days out of every month, the fact that I have bipolar disorder is all too obvious.

Actually, I'm not sure if there is a such thing as finding a medication with absolutely no breakthrough symptoms or side effects.  Medicine helps, but doesn't cure.

This stable-but-sometimes-moody state seems like a common outcome for Bipolar disorder. Linea Johnson describes a similar situation on her blog.

This photo (right) is credited to Jessia, who says "I've been struggling with depression for years. About 5 months ago I actually started getting treatment for it. Unfortunately it doesn't work all the time..."