A Very Little Person at the Hospital

Recently, I accompanied my mother in law to the hospital for some tests, and we were greeted but a very short person in a wheelchair.  She was about three feet long.  She was right outside the elevator, and at first I didn't realized that she was a hospital volunteer. I thought she was just a cheerful person. Then I saw her name tag which said volunteer.  She told us that she was drinking coffee and working.

I really didn't know what to say to her, but she really made my day.  She didn't say much to us other than hello but she had this super sweet smile..... I thought about how God put all kinds of people on this earth and everyone has a purpose.  I think she found hers.

I wish I knew what to say, because it was very special to me.  I was having a down day and it was just what I needed at that moment, and I bet she makes many people smile.  I'm curious as to what disorder she has and what her life is like.  She was an adult, with a big head, and glasses, I think.  But my memory is kind of fuzzy.  If you do know what disorder she might have, let me know.   When I google short person I don't get the right kind of results.  She probably has some disorder having to do with bone growth.

Letting Go of Who You Are 'Supposed' to Be

... and finding who you want to be.

Picture taken by me... interesting wing pattern.

Because the 'supposed' to people just aren't right.  God is right.

I am supposed to be ______.  At one point, it was a doctor.  At another point, a psychologist. 

Many times it was unsaid.  The actual career decision wasn't specified, but I was supposed to be someone.

Someone with a college degree and a high paying and well respected job.

I got the college degree.  I don't have the high paying and respected job.  Something happened while in college and I almost didn't even get the degree. That something is Bipolar Disorder.

As long as I try to guide myself by someone else's concept of success, I will fail.

But if I look at my situation in life and see it as something God gave to me, then there must be a reason for everything, even the Bipolar disorder.  And I can succeed. 

Some of the reasons I don't have the career actually aren't solely the fault of the disorder.  It's also my independent nature.  I'm driven to work for myself.  My symptoms have subsided enough now that I could probably get on the right track to that high paying and well respected job... I could go into work every day and work for someone else.  It's just that I don't want to. 

However, I don't know if I could be a doctor, because I don't think I could get through medical school and residency without falling apart.  My concentration is only good sometimes and my mood problems spike under stress. So perhaps I am not meant to be a doctor. I think I can find something else to do with my brain.

God gave me a brainy brain but also an emotional one. It's an intriguing mix that I am trying to work with.  From what I've read, it's not an uncommon mix, and I think there must be a purpose for this combo.

While muddling through the bipolar mess, I had the opportunity to take a look inside of myself.  I found that part of what had been driving me mad was environmental - other people's expectations, external pressures, an unclear sense of self, etc.

So in a way bipolar is a blessing because I wouldn't have discovered all that I have if the bipolar hadn't come my way. I might have been still doing something because I was supposed to be doing it....

The beliefs that we believe to be true

Breakthroughs can come when we realize what our beliefs are and then question them.

Which can be scary.

I'm listening to Jennifer Warnes sing "Famous Blue Raincoat" and reading the lyrics, and it is this line that made me think about the beliefs that hold us back -

"I thought it was there for good so I never tried."

I also read part of the book Toxic Parents recently, which talks about family beliefs.  That was an insight for me, because I've been working on changing my thoughts for a long time, but never thought about changing my beliefs.

Beliefs are the things that hide under our thoughts.

We don't have to have the same beliefs as our parents.

I wrote about believing in God in my last post.  This is a belief that differs from my parents and this struggle to accept my belief has been a tough one for me.  The things that I was told as a child are deeply ingrained in me, and it is an emotional fight against them.  Note, that the fight is emotional. The logical part of it is easy.  I know what is right and wrong.  I know the direction that I want my life to go in.  But my emotions still put up a fight.

I am winning.  Little steps.

Taking Care of Mom

** In this post, the Mom I refer to is my Mother-in-Law.

My Mom was in the hospital this week for back problems and untreated diabetes.

Its been a week of turmoil.  Mom's biggest problem is that she hasn't been able to walk.  And that she is obese.  Although we all love her so much, none of us can lift her.

It all started a couple of weeks ago.  She started complaining that her back hurt.  Her progression from having a hurt back to being unable to walk is hazy in my mind, but basically one day she just was in pain, and then the next day she had fallen on the floor and couldn't get up.

We came over, and through a long process of using a board that she could get onto and then slide up onto a chair, we got her off of the ground.

Then the next day, she fell again. She didn't tell anyone and was on the floor for hours. Thats when we decided that someone had to stay with her all of the time.

Her back, and then leg, continued to hurt. It was increasingly difficult for her to get up off of the couch.

Her daughter decided to take her to the emergency room in the middle of the night.  At the emergency room, they found out that she had high blood sugar, but didn't do anything to treat it.  Mom said that she didn't need any pain medicine, and after an x-ray, she went home.

So the emergency room didn't accomplish anything, but she did get an appointment with her doctor in a few days.

In the meantime, I took turns staying with her.  I stayed two out of three nights with her.

It would take her over an hour to get up to go to the bathroom.  And then she would sit in her walker and I would push her to the bathroom.  We didn't have a wheelchair.  The second night, we got a portable commode set up for her next to the couch, but she still had extreme difficulty getting up to use it.

I didn't get much sleep either of those nights (2 hours one night), but I managed to get through it without a huge mood problem!  Yay!  I did cry a bunch and feel emotional, but I was able to deal with it.  It was very stressful for me to sit there and watch her try to get up to use the bathroom.  All I could do was offer food, words of encouragment, and pray with her.  I tried to keep the situation as positive as possible, even though inside of me I was scared.

Finally it was the day for her doctor's appointment.  Her doctor admitted her to the hospital. She stayed in the hospital three nights.  After the first night, she finally agreed to take pain medication (vicodin) which made a would of difference.  They also gave her medicine for diabetes.

Now, she is at her son's house.  She has a wheelchair and hospital style bed.  She is taking her medicine and on a diabetic diet.  She is going to have physical therapy twice a week.  I'm confidant that she will regain her mobility.  Already she is able to move around easier, and can use the portable toilet on her own.

All of this has been hard on me.  I've come to love her very much, and I want to help all that I can.  It is a pull between wanting to do everything and being careful to let others do the work so that I don't hurt my health.  

I'm sensitive to changes.  For example, her house is right down the street from mine, and I like to walk to her house about every other day and visit.  When I wasn't doing well, she often provided me with emotional support. Now I can still visit her, but I have to drive about 15 minutes.  It's not bad, but not the same.  Other people are there too, so it's not the same as having one on one time with her.  So that's just one change in my routine and support system that I have to deal with.

The hardest part is that I tend to take on other people's emotions.  Perhaps a better way to say it is that I have a lot of empathy.  When she was scared about being in the hospital, I felt anxious for her.  I worried about her.  I worried that without her mobility, she might have to be in a nursing home, and it might not be a good one.

Fortunately, her son and his family are able to take care of her in their house.  So now I feel a lot of relief.  But I still wonder if she is going to recover well enough to be at home by herself.  Everything seems to indicate that she will be able to, but the future in unknown.

Taking care of her has changed me.  It was a lot of responsibility and stress, and it makes me wonder how much I can take on and still continue to manage my bipolar OK.  I think I was successful because I continued to take my medicine on time, I got sleep whenever I could, and other family members helped me.  I cried and got hugs and it was all OK.

Lithium Flatness (loss of creativity, not liking lithium)

A lot of people seem to not like being on lithium (or some other mood stabilizer).  They say that it ruins their creativity, makes them feel flat or emotionless.


I don't have this problem.  And I propose that there are two reasons for this, which need to work together -

1. Take the lowest dose of lithium or other mood stabilizer that is effective.

2. Make lifestyle changes.

If you think of mania or hypomania as being similar to alcoholism, except that the addiction is to "excessive involvement in pleasurable activities that have a high potential for painful consequences," whether it be sex or shopping or drugs or whatever your activity of choice is - then you can see how taking a mood stabilizer alone isn't the whole solution.

You have to change your lifestyle.  That is, your activities. If you are an alcoholic and love going to the bar but then start taking a medicine that makes you not able to drink, then you're not going to like that medicine because when you go to the bar you won't experience the same enjoyment as you used to.  The key of course, is to stop going to the bar.

I propose that you can have creativity and lots of emotions and be taking a mood stabilizer, IF you refocus your life on activities that aren't excessive and that don't have painful consequences.

If you can successfully change your lifestyle, then you may even be able to reduce the mood stabilizer.  Ideally, you want to be taking the mood stabilizer at the lowest amount so that you can still feel a wide dynamic of emotions.

Changing your lifestyle is not easy, and could involve major changes like changing a romantic relationship, changing your friends, changing where you live, changing careers, etc.  This is all stressful stuff that by itself could cause your moods to become worse, which is why you might need to see a therapist and a psychiatrist regularly so you can keep your meds adjusted as you go through these changes.

Also, some of your experiences might be rooted in not just brain chemicals gone awry, but they might be the result of environmental problems like trauma, lack of self confidence, difficult relationships, etc. Things that need to be worked through over time, perhaps in therapy.

So the mood stabilizer is just one part of the equation.  It's a big part, but if you aren't committed to making changes, then the mood stabilizer alone might not work.  The good news is that usually a mood stabilizer changes your thoughts enough that it makes it easier for you to slow down and do some self-examining to see what you want your life to look like.  You just have to embrace the opportunity to ask yourself big questions.

I'll leave it to you to come up with the questions that need to be asked.

--

Footnotes:

1. I'm not a doctor, but from personal experience, I would suggest that you might need a higher dose of lithium or mood stabilizer at first, but that after you have made lifestyle changes and/or sought other treatment like therapy, then the mood stabilizer might be adjusted downward.  However, you have to always be watchful of a dangerous hypomania/mania episode coming on... Best to catch these episodes by watching your THOUGHTS and catching them before your actions take a turn for the worse.

2. Omitted from above, is this:

Going to the bar doesn't have painful consequences for everyone, but it does for alcoholics.

Similarly, whatever activity you became addicted to while hypomanic, you should try to avoid.

This statement might be a bit radical, but avoiding something at first might be a good idea. For example, don't go to the mall if you have trouble with spending too much money.

Getting Ready for the Food Drive

Yesterday, we went to the grocery store to get some food for the Letter Carriers Food Drive.

I know the general idea is to just give some food away that has been in your cupboard, but when we can, we try to actually go to the store and purchase some food for the food drive.

It feels good to be buying food for someone else who needs it. We try to buy food that kids will like.

I think food banks get lots of beans and tuna, but who wants to eat that all of the time?  (I've heard that waxed beans are the most popular donation.)
 
So we buy food that we would be happy to give anyone.

Here's a picture of some of what we are donating.  It feels good to be helping others.  We got some good deals on the food too. We went to Grocery Outlet, which is a West coast discount store, and those juice boxes were just 89 cents and the concentrate is from the USA.

(Some Apple juice is from concentrate made in CHINA!  I just discovered this recently when looking at a store brand apple juice container.  It's printed directly on the plastic container where the apple juice comes from.  After seeing it on the juice I drank, I did a search and found this article.  Apparently, even some brand names are buying from China.)

Work Hard at Play

I recently watched Daniel Kahneman talk about memory and the difference between the experiencing self and the remembering self.

It's made me want to take seriously what I enjoy, and get the most possible enjoyment out of life.

I also read about half of The Happiness Project book which got me thinking about having fun too. One point that book makes is that what is fun for one person is not fun for another. So I've been thinking about what I consider to be fun, and accepting that it may not be the same as what other people find fun.

Then there is Meg's comment that "Keep in mind that the input you give your mind greatly effects the output of your feelings..." She always has good insight.

So on that note, I've been focusing on making sure I have enough fun in my life.

I really love taking pictures, so I got a photo album to put my pictures in.  This way I can spend time enjoying all of the pictures I have taken (and remembering all of those happy moments!).  I don't tend to keep my pictures organized on the computer, and there is something I prefer about having printed photos.

I really enjoy music, but sometimes I hesitate to try new music. Well you can't find new music without trying!  There is no way to know beforehand if you're going to love it. So I'm going to try to start my day out with listening to music more often, and also I'm going to make a serious effort to find new albums, new artists, and new types of music to enjoy.

Serious fun!

Pictures I took at an airshow....

Relative Stability, and Car Buying

I've been doing well for the last week or so.  Not perfect, but well.  I did fight off a depression at least one day this week.  Not that depression can always be fought off, but this one did stay away.  I told my husband about how I was beginning to feel, and while I was taking a walk, he drew me two large notes.. One of them said “I love you!  My beautiful wife!!!” and it had a big heart on it.  He taped it to my monitor and now (since I had to use my monitor) it is taped to my light pole right near me.  I think that really is helpful!  Every time I look at it, it makes me smile.  The other one he taped to the bathroom mirror.  He asked me, “Have you been to the bathroom since you got back from walking?”  and I said, “No, is something wrong...?” and then I went in there and found the note!!  It was a great surprise!

Now, if I was going to be really depressed, love notes alone probably couldn't keep me from being depressed, but they sure do help!

We bought a new car.  A much needed new(er) car.  When your car doesn't go into reverse right away and doesn't always shift up to a higher gear on the highway, it just isn't such a good thing.  Buying a new car was an experience that had me in nervous tears sometimes, and also had me quite happy other times.  In the end, it made me quite happy.

Having a newer car means that we can go on road trips, which is something I've been wanting to do for  months!!  I love taking pictures and haven't been doing it much lately.  I'm not sure if not doing it was making me depressed or if I didn't do it because I was depressed, but I will have to try to do things I like to do... who knows, maybe it will keep the depression away longer!

Why did the car buying process have me in tears at one point? Well, I don't know, except that it seems that any stressful situation can have me crying when my mood is off.  I never bought a car before.  I never even went on to a car lot before.  My parents bought me my last car.  So this was a first.  My husband, who is much older than me and has much more life expereience, says that life gets easier with experience.  What great news!

What did I learn about car buying? Be sure to check out the VIN numbers!  Before we had a service to check them out (we later signed up to autocheck.com) we checked out some really bad cars.  Some car salespeople really will lie to you about the cars!  Checking out the VIN number told us that the cars had been in accidents and/or not passed the state emissions testing.

We also checked out the MSN car reliability and safety ratings, and the consumer reports ratings. My parents seemed to always buy cars that need repair, but I want to buy a car that doesn't need much repair.  So it's too early to tell if looking at reliability ratings is going to insure that we got a car that won't need fixing, but it sure seems like a good idea.  My husband says that he's had cars that he didn't have to do work on, so it's not true that all cars need repair work.  You can get a car that just runs, and runs... and runs...

Also, you just can never know until you look at a car in real life, and test drive it!  We looked at cars that seemed like great deals online, but there were problems. One dealership didn't have the car, but just used it as a way to get us to come to the lot to look at another car (bait and switch).  You can advertise a car you don't have at a really low price, but if you don't have it, it doesn't mean anything.  Another car had a broken off door handle.  Really low miles, though. Also when we found the car we bought, in addition to everything checking out right with the VIN number and such, we just had a really good feeling about the car.  They say to pay attention to your gut instinct.

I also learned that car buying isn't something to really stress out about.  When I took action about it, I felt better.  I started participating in the process (rather than just letting my husband do all of the research and work), and not only did it help make me feel better, we actually ended up finding a car because I decided to do a search!  A car that we had looked at before, but had just been reduced by $1000!

But all of this success came about because my mood stayed relatively stable, and I felt confident about making a big life decision like buying a car!  When I felt depressed, anxious, sad, nervous, it was hard to make a decision... And that's OK.  I won't always feel well, but when I do feel well and have successes, I think those times help me feel better and more successful in the future.

This picture is of a robin I saw one morning this week.  It was the first thing I saw when I looked outside in the morning. What a nice surprise!

On Psychic Pain, and Ruining Your Life

Psychic pain is the pain that occurs from memories, thoughts, and feelings.  Psychic pain can eat you up inside.  Make you feel stressed all of the time. It can make mood episodes escalate into full blown mania or suicidal depression.  Psychic pain is hard to get away from because it is inside.  It is the thoughts that reoccur over and over that make you hate life.  They make you think that this is a bad world to be living in.  And that there is no escape.

People drink to escape their psychic pain.  Many people do it, all over America, every Friday night and all weekend long. Some people have more pain than others.  Some people have to do it every day, all day long.  When the pain in strong, anything to make it go away is worth it.

Having fights, saying bad things to the people you love, doing bad things, hurting others, all cause more psychic pain.  More memories to have to live with once you've gotten out of that mania.

If you do something that is really bad, or just have the bad luck of getting caught, then there is time in the hospital or jail, which may even add to the psychic pain.  The pain from the memories of being forced to take medication that you don't want.  The pain from the bad experiences of being in jail. And then even after you get out, there is the pain of having to explain your criminal record when trying to get a job.

I know that there are many people without Bipolar disorder that have the pain I am talking about.  It could be from childhood abuse, or from some other traumatic event.  Or maybe they were born with a predisposition to have more bad feelings, or not be able to deal with them as well.

We are all just one decision away from changing our lives.  In mania, or some other extreme mood, that decision may not be under our complete control, and yet it may change our lives forever.

And that is a good reason to work on finding a solution to prevent the episodes from happening.

You Have the Power

Change the channel.  But you never know what's going to be on the other channel until you give it a try.  Don't worry, it's not your fault if the TV guide is wrong.  But you have to change the channel to find new shows, just like in life.  If you stay on the same channel all of the time, you're missing opportunities.

Are you afraid to change the channel?  How many channels does your TV have?

Don't change the channel unless you are absolutely sure you will like what's on that channel..... Is that possible?

There are a lot of things in life you don't have control over, but you do have the power to change the channel. And you don't even need a remote.

What do you like to do?

I've been keeping a list of the things I do lately that give me that warm, fuzzy feeling, or that excited accomplished feeling, or that content I-could-do-this-all-day feeling.

I've never kept track before, but since I'd like to find my life passion someday, I thought keeping a list was a good start. I ignore the “but I'm not really good at that” thoughts that pop up in my brain and just plow onwards.

This is a good activity, because it is thought provoking, and generally positive thing to be thinking about.  It's also a small step in the process of finding my life calling, which is really a huge thing that can seem overwhelming.

It is possible to cope with some of those crazy bipolar moods and down depressive thoughts by working on changing oneself.   I've worked on it quite a bit.  Now, when I have a thought that I don't want, I recognize it as a thought that is wrong, and I don't act on it.  Instead, I divert that negative or positive energy into something that I can do.

For example, if you have the desire to do something illegal or unethical (or something that will cause problems for you or your family), and you can recognize that you are having these desires because they are driven by your Bipolar disorder, then you can decide not to act on it, but instead, put that energy into doing something that is 'right.'

It's going to be different for every person, but you have to want to do the right thing out of a deep driven desire to do the right thing, not because it is simply right.  You might find that desire in a relationship with a spouse or a child, or with God, or in your desire not to repeat the past.. But you have to want the change for youself.

I didn't always understand this, and I did things without understanding what kind of person I wanted to be.  Now, I don't do things that aren't “right” because I want to be truthful to myself about what kind of person I am.  I think it does help if you have someone like a partner that you love who you don't want to hurt or disappoint.

This process of doing one thing instead of something else is called sublimation.  I didn't know it was called sublimation until I read this squidoo page, which quotes this definition for sublimate: “To divert the energy associated with (an unacceptable impulse or drive) into a personally and socially acceptable activity.”

Here's my example that I just made up:
Perhaps you liked to steal things from stores.   Perhaps, you decide that you don't want to steal anymore, because you are a really kind, good-hearted person and you want to do good things, not bad things. So you decide that you won't act on those feelings. But instead, you decide you will take that desire to do something and do something positive.  Perhaps instead of stealing, you spend your energy and enthusiasm buying toys to donate to needy children...

I think you have to find something that you really like doing to replace that thing that isn't so good.

If you're depressed, doing something that focuses on another person might be easiest because it takes you away from wallowing in your negative feelings about yourself.  I've found that helping others is one of the things that really makes me happiest.

Or you may find that expressing yourself through art might be the way to cope with your moods.  Or perhaps by excelling in the business or political world.  Staying busy is a good way of coping....

Playing the Lottery

I bought a lottery ticket.  I didn't win this time, but maybe that isn't the point.

When I was a kid, I objected to my mom buying a lottery ticket. I told her that she was throwing her money away. The chances of winning were equal to the likelihood of getting hit by lightening, or something like that.

She told me that the money went to education.

That still didn't convince me.  But I was 13 and I think I was missing the point.

Buying a lottery ticket is an act that encourages me to dream.

I start thinking about potentially life-changing questions.

What does money mean to me?
What would I do if I won?
What would I change about my life?
What would I keep the same?
What are my dreams?
Do they all require money?
What can I do about it now, even if I don't win?

I think that life change starts with changing how you think.

I probably won't win the lottery, but it's sure fun to give it a try.  And to think about the possibility.

Even if it's not likely I'm going to win, I've had some very unlikely things happen to me.  Statistics may not always tell the whole story, anyway.  I'll keep dreaming, thinking, questioning, and changing my life.

Here's my favorite lottery commercial.

I did something different today...

I like to take walks.  There is another woman who also likes to walk in my neighborhood.  She is usually looking down at the ground.  Never smiling.  Doesn't say a word to me.

Today I said, "Hello."

She looked up and smiled.

I felt rewarded for my courage.  I'm usually shy, introverted.  I think it would be nice to change that.  I think this was a success.  Saying hello might seem like such a simple thing, but how often do we not do it, and why not?

It might just make someone smile.

Picture is from Flickr: http://www.flickr.com/photos/joshua/442041693/