Friday, August 13, 2010

Toxic Mom

I don't get along with my Mother.  She is a controlling, judgmental, narcissistic person. 

I don't know that I even love her. Yet, for some reason, I've been still wanting her approval.  I've been working on the relationship, wanting it to get better. 

Well, no more of wanting approval from her. I'm trying to get over that.

She changed our relationship yet again last week.

She doesn't like my husband, and wants me to break up with him.  I already knew this, but last week she brought up the topic in an email. Her email was manipulative, and while trying to pull on my heart-strings, she says lies about my husband.

I long ago stopped mentioning my husband's name to her at all, which of course means not telling her lots of stuff, but that's fine.  I can live with a superficial relationship.

However, I can't live with opening up emails that put me into an emotional turmoil and cause my day to be filled with anxiety. 

I don't know why her words have such a strong effect on me. They are untrue, but yet it causes my bipolar to flare. My ability to be stable me, to have good concentration, and smooth emotions, goes downhill.  My whole body gets riddled with stress.

Well, I just can't be riddled with stress all of the time.  So now I am filtering her emails, which means that I don't read them.  Do I delete them? I probably should - I deleted the last one without reading it - but I'm a bit of a wimp. 

There is a long history here. In the past she has not liked other things about me and also written me long horrific emails.  I didn't talk to her for a long time, and stupidly I promised her that I wouldn't not talk to her again. Because of course it hurt her so much, and it is supposedly my fault for everything.

I might have to reneg on my promise.. She breaks her promises all of the time. Of course that doesn't mean that I want to also break mine. But I need my sanity. 

P.S.  If I referred to my Mom in a positive light before this, it might have been in reference to my Mother-in-law. I have adopted her as my Mom because she is one of the nicest people in the world.  She says all of the kind words to me that my biological Mom doesn't say. I am thankful for her.


  1. I'm so sorry. There are toxic mothers out there and just because someone is your mother does not mean she is healthy for you to be around. Do what is right for you and take care of yourself.

  2. Thanks for your comment. I'm managing to deal with it. I'm waiting on the book "Toxic Parents" from the library which is supposed to be a good book. Now that I've found a label for her behavior, it's making it easier to figure out how to deal with it. In the past, I've been afraid to read that book, actually.... But no longer. I want to get rid of my need of approval from her, because I'm not going to get it. So I am working on telling myself things like "I don't need a relationship with her" and when I catch myself wanting approval or acceptance from her, I think about getting the approval from my mother-in-law instead, which, is easy! She gives it without me asking. Yay!