Saturday, September 11, 2010

Letting Go of Who You Are 'Supposed' to Be

... and finding who you want to be.

Picture taken by me... interesting wing pattern.

Because the 'supposed' to people just aren't right.  God is right.

I am supposed to be ______.  At one point, it was a doctor.  At another point, a psychologist. 

Many times it was unsaid.  The actual career decision wasn't specified, but I was supposed to be someone.

Someone with a college degree and a high paying and well respected job.

I got the college degree.  I don't have the high paying and respected job.  Something happened while in college and I almost didn't even get the degree. That something is Bipolar Disorder.

As long as I try to guide myself by someone else's concept of success, I will fail.

But if I look at my situation in life and see it as something God gave to me, then there must be a reason for everything, even the Bipolar disorder.  And I can succeed. 

Some of the reasons I don't have the career actually aren't solely the fault of the disorder.  It's also my independent nature.  I'm driven to work for myself.  My symptoms have subsided enough now that I could probably get on the right track to that high paying and well respected job... I could go into work every day and work for someone else.  It's just that I don't want to. 

However, I don't know if I could be a doctor, because I don't think I could get through medical school and residency without falling apart.  My concentration is only good sometimes and my mood problems spike under stress. So perhaps I am not meant to be a doctor. I think I can find something else to do with my brain.

God gave me a brainy brain but also an emotional one. It's an intriguing mix that I am trying to work with.  From what I've read, it's not an uncommon mix, and I think there must be a purpose for this combo.

While muddling through the bipolar mess, I had the opportunity to take a look inside of myself.  I found that part of what had been driving me mad was environmental - other people's expectations, external pressures, an unclear sense of self, etc.

So in a way bipolar is a blessing because I wouldn't have discovered all that I have if the bipolar hadn't come my way. I might have been still doing something because I was supposed to be doing it....

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