Depression Distorts Life

I know I am feeling better when I find myself enjoying life, rather than wondering what life's purpose is.

I find myself interested in history, world news, writing, working, cooking, and find life to be marvelous!

I started feeling better after walking yesterday.

Yesterday I was so unsure of life's purpose, I googled life purpose and depression. I didn't find anything remarkable on the topic, but let me tell you - my thoughts were directed by my depression.

Depression distorts thoughts.....  Only goes to show you that how we see the world has everything to do with what's going on inside of us.

Trying to Stay Up

It is interesting to note that I don't feel very driven to write in this blog when I feel normal.  There's just nothing to report. I'm taking my medicine and everything is going fine.

At the same time, it's hard to motivate myself to write when I'm depressed. But at least then I have something to write about.

I've been kind of depressed for the last couple of days. Not all of the time depressed, but more blue than not.  I have to work on feeling happy, you know?

So how does one work on feeling happy?  I try to say positive things to myself, sometimes write in my journal, sometimes get out of the house, take a walk, take a drive, etc.  I try to do things I enjoy and listen to upbeat music. And those things all help. 

However, I also experiment with (legal) drugs.  I try to do something to change my brain chemistry.  To get myself up.  Drink a little extra caffeinated tea.  Take a methyl-B12.  Take some choline & inositol.  Take some aniracetam.

And those things do help.  Sometimes each drug/medicine gives me a few hours of feeling normal.  Focused.  Or just less down.  At some point I'll break out of this mood and hopefully go soaring - but just not too high.

I don't usually like to take too much of any one thing, because my goal isn't to feel strange, but rather normal.  I don't want to be manic.  I am particularly sensitive to caffeine, so I'm careful not to overdo that.  The last thing I want is to feel depressed and irritable.  I think that's called a dysphoric mood.


Now I'm going to go walk to try to get that natural high I so need.

Self Love

Self love - do you find it hard?


Every once in awhile, I'll read something that really stays with me.  Recently, it was this thought:


"Relying on the positive assessments of others, while it feels good, is temporary. We all need something more reliable and always at hand. When a negative assessment comes along you can ride your unpredictable waves of feeling if you have an anchor of self respect." - Jaktraks article on "What counseling clients ask me"


I've been thinking about how important it is to do what is right. And trying to always do right.  This helps build self respect. 


For weekend reading, I'd suggest Jaktraks' Squidoo lenses:
It matters how you think
What counseling clients ask me
Small and easy steps create change

Have a happy weekend!

Natural Light Keeping the Blues Away! (January Update on my Mood)

This blog needs an update.  I've gotten sidetracked lately.

About a month ago, I started using a new light by my desk to help improve my mood.  It seems to be working.  I had some bouts of depression before getting the light, but since using it every day, my depression has stayed away almost entirely.

Of course, this is a subjective experience that could be attributed to other things, but the results seem good to me.  I'm still having some of the same stressors, still not getting much outdoor light, and yet my mood is improved.

I am using a Verilux Original Natural Spectrum Deluxe Clamp Lamp.  It's not a special mood light, but I believe the bulb it uses is the same one that is in some of the mood lights.  I use it throughout the day. It sits above my head but off to the side some, and is attached to my computer desk. This way I just do my normal computer work and get the light at the same time.

To sum up, this is what I've been doing to try to keep my mood stable:

- Lithium Orotate, 20 mg a day total (half in the morning, half in the evening)
- Zinc 25mg, taken in the morning

At lunch time, I take chromium to help with my blood sugar levels, plus a multivitamin and vitamin C. These may be helping my mood too.

I used to try to walk every day but I haven't been doing that lately because of foot pain.

I have had an excellent January mood wise. My mood has been pretty stable and I've been productive, except for about 3 days out of this week because I had some cold virus making me dizzy :(

I am also taking Manganese 10mg but this is to prevent tinnitus and I don't think it has any effect on mood - but who knows :)  I guess the good mood could be from that instead, although I started taking that in mid-December, and shortly thereafter my mood was down. So I don't think that's helping my mood unless it just takes a long time to start working.

Whatever I'm doing, it's working!  I have been thinking very positively lately, but not noticeable hypomanic. My thinking seems correct.

I am up in the middle of the night but I think that's because of having a cold virus. I've been getting tired in the evening and sleeping in the evening, then waking up in the middle of the night for awhile, and then going back to sleep.

I also should mention that I am taking piracetam and phenibut occasionally. The piracetam to help with brain function. The phenibut to help with sleep.

The Piracetam helps with many mental functions, but the most measurable one is how fast I can recall the answers when I watch Jeopardy!  I definitely get more answers correct when I take it.

Bad Judgement during the Mania part of Bipolar Disorder

The bad side of mania or hypomania is poor judgement and impulse control problems.

It is hard to write about these problems, because personal stories are often embarrassing.  It's hard to talk about the stuff you did when you weren't thinking right.

This is why for weekend reading I am suggesting that you read Darcie French's Dear Squidoo letter about the errors she made during a manic episode.

She describes her excessive happiness and hopefulness, her poor judgment, and her grandiose thoughts - all symptoms of mania.  What makes her story interesting is her insight into how she was thinking.  I really enjoyed reading her story and I hope that you do too!

So that's my weekend reading suggestion..... Have a happy weekend! :)

Successfully Switched Brands of Lithium Orotate

When I first started buying lithium orotate, the only generic brand of Lithium Orotate I could find was the Advanced Research brand.  Now the iherb website offers two other brands: Doctor's Best and Ortho Molecular Products.

I've bought other supplements by Doctor's Best in the past, and I've been very happy with their quality.

However, it took me two tries to make the switch over to Doctor's Best from the Advanced Research brand.  I don't know why, but I felt that it took about two to three days for the new brand to work.  So the first time I gave up, thinking that it didn't work. But now finally I've made the switch and I've been taking the Doctor's Best Lithium Orotate for about a week and a half.  I'm taking 4 pills a day, which is higher than the 3.5 pills that I was recently taking.  Also the Doctor's Best brand has 5mg of elemental Lithium per pill, whereas the Advanced Research brand was only 4.8mg per pill. So I am getting a higher dose but I feel great!  My moods have been pretty smooth, my concentrate excellent, and my anxiety way less. The holidays are generally a stressful time of the year for me, so I plan to stay on this dosage for at least the next several months.

Unfortunately, I find the lithium orotate pills very hard to cut, and that's especially true with the Doctor's Best brand. My pill cutter tends to crush them instead of cutting them.

The Doctor's Best lithium orotate is in tablet form, just like the Advanced Research brand. However, the Doctor's Best tablets are harder and have a shiny coat to them.  My main problem with the Advanced Research brand is that the tablets are so soft that they easily break.  Often there are a handful of broken pills in the bottle. Also, in my last bottle, there were several pills that were the wrong shape (too thick) which made me really question the quality control!  I didn't take the wrong shaped pills, as there was no way for me to know if they were lithium or not.  This is kind of scary, and why I finally switched over to Doctor's Best brand.

If you are looking to buy lithium orotate, you can use a $5 off coupon on iherb if you are a first time customer.  Just enter the code LIN282 during checkout on the iherb website.

Click here for more information on Lithium Orotate.

Please note that I'm not a doctor and this is only about my personal experience. This is not medical advice.  I highly recommend that you consult with a doctor before starting on any supplement.

October 2010 Update

My moods have been swinging back and forth a bit lately... Going from a hypomanic, hopeful, productive and happy state to a depressed, less hopeful demeanor.  I've been staying sane though, in that my depression hasn't gotten as bad as it could be, and it's not yet effecting my relationship or work, because I'm having enough hypomania to make up for the down moments.

This means that I might be increasing my lithium, but I'm going to wait a bit because I enjoy the hypomania. It's the productive kind with lots of ideas.

I know that part of the cause for these sea-saw moods is because of some additional stress I've been under lately.  I don't really feel like going into the cause of the stress, but let's just say that I'm trying to make it be less stress!

I have been spending more time on Squidoo lately.  It's a great place to make a website (they call them lenses) and if you give it a try, follow this link because I'll get some referral credit.

I've made about $300 from Squidoo since I started and so part of it is about money - If I write pages that are popular, I make money - but also I love the community.  There are so many bright and interesting people on Squidoo. Oh sure, there are some people who are there just for the money, but many more who write about themselves and topics that they care about, and I'm proud to be part of such a great community!

I wrote a couple of pages about myself recently, that I thought you might be interested in -

About My Childhood Speech Problems

How I've Come to Love Music

Well I hope that everyone is well!